Evolution of Boundaries
Boundaries are a fundamental element of any human relationship. Kids naturally test them in order to figure out where they lie. Women usually feel they can trust a man when they feel he has clear and firm boundaries. Many men will complain about their women nagging about this, or acting out in this or that fashion. When really a proactive attitude would be to consider; Have I set and enforced healthy boundaries for this relationship?
Without a boundary a relationship will be either absent or simply unhealthy and painful.
Two Key elements
There are 2 important key elements to good boundaries. The 1st is to understand, or even better to feel — what is my boundary? What behavior is acceptable to me, and what isn’t? Do you know what is acceptable to you? Are you very acutely aware of when someone is overstepping you boundaries?
This requires either a very healthy instinct, which comes naturally. Or quite a bit of self awareness, which can be cultivated through consistent action taking on self development.
Meditation is quite helpful, and consistent interaction with others, with a healthy dose of self reflection.
Most important though is to actually Want to develop this aspect of yourself and to know why it is important for you?
When you have a strong and clear enough why. You will find the How.
The 2nd important element of a healthy boundary is enforcing it. To know where the perimeter of my property passes isn’t enough to enforce it’s boundary, you need to put up a fence!.
The same principal holds for a relationship/social boundary, if it’s not enforced, it might as well not exist, and you’ll be left frustrated chasing uncalled visitors from infringing on your property.
Methods of enforcing boundaries
The trick is in how do you enforce such a boundary? The easiest and 1st solution that comes to mind is force. If someone is infringing your self, acting/ talking in a way that you feel is unacceptable to you, you force him away — raise your voice. Your fists in some cases, or call for help from a socially nominated wielder of force etc.
Though easy and straightforward, this course of action has it’s drawbacks: It depends on your ability to wield that force, it generates resentment and hurt, it breaks down trust, and it usually only works for the duration of your ability to maintain that forcefulness.
A more advanced boundary setting would be boundary by absence. When a behavior is unacceptable to me I do not register it, I do not feed into that energy, I don’t touch it. A woman talks or acts in a low vibe fashion, saying something mean or spiteful trying so it would seem to — ‘drive me crasy’. A child throws a temper tantrum, etc..
I simply don’t register it. I don’t let it into my world. I totally ignore it and make it clear that this behavior will never generate the desired reaction from me.
The benefits of this method is that it prevents me from feeding into that negative energy, and lowering my vibe. It also prevents me from escalating the situation by adding more wood to the fire.
The drawback is that it might encourage the other party to try and escalate the situation in order to force my attention, which would mean I would have to be able to withstand those consequences, and maintain my inaccessability in the face of the mounting assault.
Also, it could create a negative feeling of lack of worth in the other party. Who could associate my not noticing or reacting to his behavior as me ignoring him rather than his actions.
The key in order to successfully pull this off is being congruent. If you’re just pretending that you don’t care/ don’t notice that would invite an escalation. But if you truly don’t care. If you truly don’t let that behavior into your world, and you really maintain a higher emotional state. You really feel good, and just don’t want to feed into those emotions, than this boundary by absence could prove very useful.
And the third method of setting a boundary would be to align the interests of my intruder with my own. Essentially to make him see how respecting my boundary benefits him. This is the most difficult method, and like all things, it has it’s limitations. But also great benefits. For instance, my child ran out into the street without my supervision. A natural easy reaction would be to shout at him. Get angry, scold and punish him. But would that method be the most beneficial in this case?
Would the child remember, and make the mental link between running into the street and the negative reaction he got from me? Or would mainly the reaction be imprinted in his mind, and he’ll hold onto that hurt and pain in his little heart until it comes angrily out against my grandchildren sometime in the not so far future.
Let us consider why is this boundary important for me.
I love my child, he’s small and not yet aware of his environment. He’s also not easily noticeable being smaller than a grown man. Running into the road contains the very real risk of him getting run over and seriously injured or killed. And why that would hurt me does not bear explaining.
Is this possibility one that my child would want? Of course not. How about if I find a way to make him see and buy into that reality. How much more effective of a restraint would that be when the child feels and sees the risk in running into the road — coupled with the knowledge of how much I love him, and how much it would hurt me as well, if he gets hurt.
What if I stop the child. Call him over and let him know how dear he is to me. How amazing he is in my eyes. How much I love him. Thus giving him the validation and attention we all need so much. Non more so than our darling children.
When I have his attention, I can walk him through why his actions are not in his interest.
Consider this line of questioning, and let your child ponder the questions. Let them sink, and let him react. The important key is for him to take ownership of this boundary.
I love you so much Johnny, [big hug], you know you’re my dearest child? An amazing gift I got? You know I’d feel awful if anything ever happened to you? [pause- let him react].
Hey Johnny, see that road over there?
What’s in the road?
What can happens if you rush out into the road ?
How would you feel if that happens?
how do you thing I would feel if you get hurt?
Why did you rush out into the road like that [pause, try to understand]
What different action could you take next time?
….
Let it sink in Once you feel it sinks in, and your child buys into the boundary — running out into the road alone. Reiterate how much you love him. Hug him again.
That kind of boundary can last in a persons heart forever, and more importantly the memory and imprint of your love for him, of how dear the relationship is to you, and that the reason this boundary is important for you, is because he is important to you. You relationship with him is important to you, and that’s why this boundary is important, not only to you but to him as well.
Obviously this technique demands that the relationship be valuable to both parties. Or at the very least that you are able to align the other parties interest to yours. It demands the most effort, the most time investment. But once such a boundary is enforced. It could last for a long long time. And it makes the realtionship stronger..
